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This is my first post which has to be better than the last post.

When I was alive I was a scriptwriter, now I am a novelist. The difference now is when I write I am alone, no producers or directors screaming for the script, or actors and actresses demanding more laugh lines.

I sometimes talk to the spiders before my wife hoovers them up and play with scorpions that come in from the garden, but only if they are babies, because at heart, I am a coward.

After forty years of writing I have come up with the perfect work day. I cannot write intensely for more than three hours. If I do my mind creates strange lines that need rewriting. So I stop and do manual work for a couple of hours, like building a new house and other light tasks. I then write for another three hours, then I build another house. I then edit the days work and start the best part of the day.

I go into my private room which is empty but for a picture of Dean Martin and I open a bottle of wine and drink it in front of him, to remind him of how terrific was.

Of course the last piece only happens if my wife will allow it.

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